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People with this competence: Cultivate and maintain extensive informal networks Seek out mutually beneficial relationships Build rapport and keep others in the loop Make and maintain personal friendships among “work” associates Conflict management is an attribute of Relationship Management. People with this competence: Handle difficult people and tense situations with diplomacy and tact Spot potential conflict, bring disagreements into the open and help de-escalate Encourage debate and open discussion Orchestrate win-win solutions. What is Conflict? When two or more values, points of view, or opinions clash, conflict arises. Conflict can occur: When your values and standpoints are threatened When you fear the unknown or lack fulfilment Within yourself when you're not behaving in alignment with your values. Despite being regarded as destructive, uncomfortable, hostile, exasperating, and “win or lose” in its outcomes, conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction and is not always bad. It can even be beneficial by: Raising and addressing problems Highlighting the most appropriate issues Motivating people to participate Inspiring creativity Contributing to social change Helping us learn about and benefit from our differences. Conflict isn't problematic. This only occurs when conflict is poorly managed. Conflict is a problem when it: Hinders productivity Lowers morale Causes more and/or continued conflicts Leads to inappropriate behaviour. While conflict management is a term most often used in the corporate world, the theory can be applied to all aspects of your life. For example, the reasons for conflict: Poor communication – ? employees don’t understand the reason for decisions and rely instead on the rumour mill – ? expecting your significant other to instinctively know what you want to do this weekend. Insufficient resources – ? disagreements about passing the buck – ? having to wait for ages while a sibling takes forever in the bathroom. Personal chemistry – ? a colleague who rubs you up the wrong way – ? a child who behaves as badly as you would if you weren’t trying to be polite. By far the best way to handle conflict is spot potential conflict, bring disagreements into the open, and de-escalate the battle. There are various stages of conflict to watch out for: Potential conflict – where possible causes for conflict have been recognised and conflict could arise if action is not taken. Latent conflict – in competitive situations such as a political rally or a meeting about retrenchments. Open conflict – triggered by something and could become much more serious. Aftermath conflict – where a problem may have been resolved but the potential for new conflict may still exist – especially if one party feels like the “loser”. In order to minimise the escalation of conflict into something negative, debate and open discussion should be encouraged. This can be done by: Sharing information and keeping everyone up to date with current issues Expressing positive expectations and empowering others Building strong relationships Being aware of potential conflict and nipping it in the bud. Approaches to Conflict How you handle conflict is affected by past experiences, your communication style, and your personal triggers. Knowing yourself gives you greater control over your emotions and, in turn, more appropriate responses to conflict. While we don’t all fit into a box, here are the five recognised approaches to conflict: 1. Avoiding No winners, no losers. Avoid conflict by withdrawing, sidestepping, or postponing. Appropriate when: The conflict is small and relationships are at stake You're cooling off More important issues are pressing and you feel you don't have time to deal with this one The issue is unrelated to key issues. You are powerless and there is no chance of having your concerns met Others can solve the conflict more successfully / less emotionally than you can Additional information is needed. Cons: Important decisions may be made by default Inaction may make matters worse. 2. Competing I win, you lose. Take a firm stand. Appropriate when: There is an emergency or crisis Time is of the essence and a quick decision is needed You don't want to be steamrollered or taken advantage of You need to stand up for your rights. Cons: Can escalate conflict Losers may retaliate. 3. Accommodating I lose, you win. Appease others by downplaying conflict, with a greater emphasis on relationships, harmony, and goodwill. Appropriate when: An issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person You realize you are wrong You are willing to let others learn from their mistakes You know you cannot win A peaceable solution now will pave the way for future gains Harmony is important and what the parties have in common is far more important than their differences. Cons: Your ideas don't get attention Credibility and influence can be lost. 4. Compromising You bend, I bend. Accept that outcomes will be partially satisfying for all but not fully satisfying to anyone. Appropriate when: Going around in circles with others of equal authority and equally strong commitment to mutually exclusive goals. Time can be saved by reaching intermediate settlements on individual parts of complex issues Goals are moderately important. Cons: Important values and long-term objectives can be derailed in the process May not work if initial demands are too great Can spawn cynicism, especially if there's no commitment to honour the compromise solutions 5. Collaborating I win, you win. Work through differences to generate new and creative solutions are satisfactory to both sides. Open to the positive possibilities conflict creates. Teamwork and cooperation help everyone achieve their goals while also maintaining relationships. Appropriate when: There is a high level of trust Time is available to find a consensus solution Others need to also have "ownership" of solutions The people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested There is a need to work through animosity and hard feelings. Cons: The process takes lots of time and energy Some may take advantage of other people's trust and openness. Not sure which approach to conflict you favour? Download and complete THIS QUIZ to find out. Resolving Conflict This may sound obvious, but the first step to resolving a conflict is to identify its source. It is easy to get caught up in identifying the People with this competence: Recognise the need for change and remove barriers Challenge the status quo to acknowledge the need for change Champion the change and enlist others in its pursuit Model the change expected of others The second competence of Relationship Management is communication. Because communication is such an important element of Emotional Intelligence, we have upgraded this module to three different courses! Complete all or just the ones you feel are valid to you: 5.2.1 Communication Identifying and improving listening skills. Improving communication skills. Developing an awareness of personal interactive styles. 5.2.2 Communication Skills Find opportunities for the development of self-awareness. Create opportunities for participants to connect with each other and recognise different styles of communication. 5.2.3 Communication at Work Are effective in give-and-take, registering emotional cues in attuning their message. Deal with difficult issues straightforwardly. Listen well, seek mutual understanding, and welcome sharing of information fully. Foster open communication and stay receptive to bad news as well as good. Improving your communication skills is not only a pivotal part of developing your emotional intelligence - it has tangible impact on your personal and work life. Hands up if you have ever tried to: lose weight exercise regularly eat healthy stop procrastinating give up smoking save money, and/or earn a tertiary qualification. Pat yourself on the back if you have been successful! If your efforts have been less than successful, you probably already know that you lack enough self-control (a.k.a. willpower, grit, fortitude, discipline, determination). According to the American Psychological Association, people identified a lack of self-control as the number one issue holding them back from achieving their goals. The professional definition of self-control is: The capacity to control your behaviour to avoid temptations and to accomplish your goals. The ability to resist what you want in the short-term to achieve what you want in the long-term. A finite resource that can be exhausted. Why Is Self-Control Important? Psychologist Walter Mischel’s famous Marshmallow Test studied the importance of delayed gratification: In the test, children could choose whether they wanted to eat one marshmallow straight away or wait a short while and get two marshmallows. The researcher would then leave the child alone in a room with a single marshmallow. Not surprisingly, most of the kids ate the single marshmallow as soon as the researcher left the room. Some kids, however, held out for two marshmallows. The study went on to show that the children who had the ability to delay gratification in exchange for an increased reward also performed better academically - superior grades, higher academic test scores, and increased educational attainment - than the children who succumbed to temptation immediately. Researchers, Angela Duckworth and Martin Seligman, noted that self-control was more important in academic success than IQ. Not only that, but those with greater self-discipline have been found to enjoy better relationships, are less inclined to abuse alcohol and other substances, experience fewer mental health difficulties, have improved overall physical health, and a higher self-esteem. Barriers to Self-Control The barriers to self-control are the opposite of the psychological definition: The emotional, impulsive side of us that urges us to give in to our immediate desires and act recklessly without considering the likely long-term effects. While exercising self-control long-term tends to strengthen it, short-term it is limited. When your willpower reservoir is depleted on one task, you will find it difficult to muster your self-control on other tasks throughout your day. Before looking at ways to increase your self-confidence, you need to be clear about what your goal is, and why you have set it. Then you need to set up a system to track your behaviour. Every. single. day. It's the only way to make sure that your actions are in line with what needs to be done to reach your goal. How to Improve Your Self-Control "Avoid temptation. This is an effective way of making the most of your available self-control. Avoiding temptation ensures that you do not "use up" your available self-control before it is really needed. Plan ahead. Consider possible situations that might break your resolve. If you are faced with temptation, what actions will you take to avoid giving in? Research has found that planning ahead can improve willpower even in situations where people have experienced the effects of itsdepletion. Practice using self-control. While your control might become depleted in the short-term, regularly engaging in behaviors that require you to exert self-control will improve your willpower over time. Think of self-control as a muscle. While hard work may exhaust the muscle in the short-term, the muscle will grow stronger over time as you continue to work it. Try focusing on one goal at a time. Setting a lot of goals at once (such as making a list of New Year's resolutions) is usually an ineffective approach. Depleting your willpower in one area can reduce self-control in others areas. It is best to choose one specific goal and focus your energy on it. Once you turn the behaviours needed to reach a goal into habits, you will not need to devote as much effort toward maintaining them. You can then use your resources to achieve other goals." Next: Take the quiz below to firm up your plan to strengthen your self-control: The first competence of Relationship Management is influence. You are influential if you: Are skilled at persuasion Present to appeal to your audience Strategically build consensus and support Effectively make a point. 10/10 Before we start, give yourself a quick score out of 10 as to how committed you think you are. (You can compare this score to your commitment rating after completing this lesson.) About Influence The father of emotional intelligence, Daniel Goleman, defined “Influence as a competency is the ability to have a positive impact on others, to persuade or convince them to gain their support. With the Influence competency, you're persuasive and engaging, and you can build buy-in from key people.” Ironically enough, just by being emotionally intelligent, you become more influential. Powerful Persuasion Get Positive Power and Influence’s "Situational Influence Model" workbook HERE. Compelling Consensus and Strong Support ✔️ Consensus means an overwhelming agreement. ❌ Consensus does not mean unanimity. In other words, building consensus requires listening to everyone’s input, making every effort to meet everyone’s input, and then to come up with a solution that everyone can live with. (No pressure!) To build consensus and support, it is best to start by determining why there is disagreement. The fourth attribute of Self-Regulation is innovativeness. A person who is innovative will: Seek out fresh ideas from a wide variety of sources Entertain original solutions to problems Generate new ideas Take fresh perspectives and risks in their thinking. The fourth attribute of Self-Regulation is adaptability. A person who is adaptable can: Smoothly handle multiple demand, shifting priorities, and rapid change Tailor their responses and tactics to fit fluid circumstances Be flexible in how they see events. “The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.” Japanese proverb Why Is Being Adaptable Important? Because the world is ever-changing, if you are not moving forward – you are actually going backwards. Our landscape is changing ever faster as technology advances. It is predicted that school children of today are preparing for careers that haven’t even been invented yet. An adaptable person will read that with excitement rather than fear. Research found that 60% of employers note that adaptability has become more important over the last decade; 20% reported that recruits lack adaptability; but only 8% actually provide specific training for this. Looking forward to your careers is one area where adaptability is essential. But what about now? When you have an important exam, and the venue is changed at the last minute – do you freak out and forget everything you studied? Or are you able to roll with the punches and adapt to the new circumstances. Being an adaptable individual is not only a quality that makes you more employable, but it is also good for your wellbeing. Great leaders and other successful people don’t reach their level by merely doing the same thing – rather, they actively pursue change to stay innovative and ahead of trends. An adaptable attitude includes perpetual optimism; adaptable actions exhibit extraordinary resilience – and one cannot exist without the other. “Conditions are always changing, and real peace lies in the ability to adapt to these changes.” Mingyur Rinpoche How to Increase Your Adaptability 1. Copy and Paste A slightly misleading heading (but it sounds cool, right?) As with so many critical soft skills, learning from others is one of the best ways to boost your adaptability skills. Look out for people around you who embody adaptability and model your behaviour on theirs. You can observe them and note how they exemplify this trait of self-regulation; or ask them outright for tips and guidance. Obviously, you will modify this to suit your personality and make it your own. 2. Seek the Positives When projects or situations don’t go as planned, look for the silver lining. Being able to take a step back and view things objectively rather than despairingly opens up your approach. Ask yourself, “What opportunities does this situation bring my way?” and “What is most interesting or exciting to me about this scenario?” By resetting and reframing your focus, you have an opportunity to learn and grow. This optimism helps to change tack and overcome challenges next time. ” You can take away a person’s resources, but you can’t remove resourcefulness.” 3. Make Mistakes Leave your ego at the door and allow yourself the frustration and humiliation of making mistakes. While we all crave the comfort and ease of the familiar, your adaptability skills increase as you stretch yourself and then learn from your errors. It’s all about how you handle the aftermath of your mistakes. 4. Be Curious Getting ahead in life cannot be done in isolation. Find inspiring mentors, inventive colleagues, and talented networks to lean on, ask questions, and debate ideas. Asking questions leads to learning more and challenging traditional ways of doing things, a significant element of being adaptable. What skills, strengths, and resources can you draw on to support yourself as you move forwards with ease? It’s up to you to make the most of the situation you’re in. 5. Find the Humour “Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone.” Laughter really is the best medicine, and a great tool for embracing uncertainty. Sit back, relax, and watch a fun video that briefly explains adaptability: BONUS: Download a hardcopy summary and analysis of Who Moved My Cheese? HERE Next Complete the quiz below.